i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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