I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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