How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
