Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
