He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
