well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
