Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
