Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
