Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
