Will you blow on my dice?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I still have a little drunk in my system
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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