Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
