You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
