Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
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I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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