I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
