a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
