i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
