I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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