If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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