me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
