I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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