Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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