I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sorry about my life...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize