i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
