I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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