I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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