Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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