I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize