he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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