I just threw up on my dentist
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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