I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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