I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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