i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
