I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
