he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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