I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
