Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
