Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize