ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
