Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
