gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
