If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
