Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
