Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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