You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
