And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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