remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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