Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
