My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
