My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
