And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
