Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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