Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
