from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
