I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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