this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well I just put wine in my tea
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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