Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize