I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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