It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was confusing and full of hummus
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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