What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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