The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
