Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize