A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Enjoy the penises
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
