a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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