im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize