brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
