I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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