Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
