im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
